Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
chapter 91
It is four months after my intuitive encounter in the middle of the woods . I sit in the bath...there is someone walking to the door . The individual is now in front of me . Another is just behind to the left . I was never told that this individual -the former-was the child by the ferry terminal ; nor was I told that he was the young man that sat beside me on my way to Australia . It just seemed to be quite obvious to me .
Do you remember the story of how the angel stirred the water and those who bathed with it in time were healed of their affliction ??? Well , over the next three years this will become one of the many gifts that is explored with these two individuals . They will not completely put me back together . The remainder of the post traumatic stress from the mid 90's will still , though at an increasingly less and less volume , visit me until this day .
The first individual has quite the sense of humor . The second , very serious . Maybe I am not as special as it seems . These beings are obviously existing outside of time , so , quite possibly , they could be in hundreds of places at once . Regardless of how special or worthless I am , the first one gives me an introduction : " my name is Gabriel ; my friend is Micheal " .
The End
Do you remember the story of how the angel stirred the water and those who bathed with it in time were healed of their affliction ??? Well , over the next three years this will become one of the many gifts that is explored with these two individuals . They will not completely put me back together . The remainder of the post traumatic stress from the mid 90's will still , though at an increasingly less and less volume , visit me until this day .
The first individual has quite the sense of humor . The second , very serious . Maybe I am not as special as it seems . These beings are obviously existing outside of time , so , quite possibly , they could be in hundreds of places at once . Regardless of how special or worthless I am , the first one gives me an introduction : " my name is Gabriel ; my friend is Micheal " .
The End
chapter 90
I have seen shit weirder that what I have just described . I have seen time manipulated with like a televangelist his flock of unsuspecting dummies . Here is one for ya : this guy last year wrote me a lovely e-mail about the wonderful talk we had that week . Fantastic . Too bad I wasn't fucking there !!!
This is just a little context to prop you up for the evening show . That is to say , if I am crazy , so are the laws of physics .
This is just a little context to prop you up for the evening show . That is to say , if I am crazy , so are the laws of physics .
chapter 89
One more before I attempt to explain the unexplainable .
My friend's wife dies . In mourning , I pack my things and head to another friend's house to spend the evening and try to make some sense of everything . In hast , I throw my clothes down the garbage shoot with the trash . The underwear I don't care about ; but , sadly , I lost my favorite sweater .
I get more clothes and rush out to the car where my friend awaits me .
And in the back of the car ; there is my sweater .
My friend's wife dies . In mourning , I pack my things and head to another friend's house to spend the evening and try to make some sense of everything . In hast , I throw my clothes down the garbage shoot with the trash . The underwear I don't care about ; but , sadly , I lost my favorite sweater .
I get more clothes and rush out to the car where my friend awaits me .
And in the back of the car ; there is my sweater .
chapter 88
Our winter retreat . The winter of our content , one might say . The hat that I wear to do my exercise in remains at my home , as I forget the fucking thing . But , wait , there it is in my luggage bag !!! Strange , eh ??? Wanna see strange ??? I will show you strange . After wearing the hat that I did not bring to the retreat all week long , come time to leave...I could not find it . I , indeed , was hatless .
Right until I got to my house and found the fucking thing right wear I left it .
No kidding !!!
Right until I got to my house and found the fucking thing right wear I left it .
No kidding !!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
chapter 87
Before someone tells a story of the unbelievable ; it is best , when ever possibly , to give a reason to believe it . And I have many .
And let me say just one other thing . Just about everything you ever learned...is a lie .
"Someday...only love will remain ."
Seriously .
And let me say just one other thing . Just about everything you ever learned...is a lie .
"Someday...only love will remain ."
Seriously .
chapter 86
We have a brief stopover in Caines . ( You know , that place I visited last Christmas . Hot as a fucking monkeys ass ) .
I hear my name on the P.A. system . I pick up the phone . It is my little sister -Karon .
The entire airport turns and looks at me . I have lost myself . Will I ever hear this beautiful voice again ??? I am 28 , strong . I have no idea that I will indeed accomplish everything that my heart desires over the next five years . I have no idea that I will lose it at the turn of a card as those five years expire . And , truly , I have no idea that the damage done to me will partially incapacitate me for the rest of my life .
I hear my name on the P.A. system . I pick up the phone . It is my little sister -Karon .
The entire airport turns and looks at me . I have lost myself . Will I ever hear this beautiful voice again ??? I am 28 , strong . I have no idea that I will indeed accomplish everything that my heart desires over the next five years . I have no idea that I will lose it at the turn of a card as those five years expire . And , truly , I have no idea that the damage done to me will partially incapacitate me for the rest of my life .
chapter 85
At the airport with many a friend . I hug , kiss and say good-by . Yet there is no Karon . My heart sinks like a superhero five minutes after they find out he is gay .
chapter 84
The last night in Australia . Karon and I sit on the curb with Drinky and smoke cigars .
I was under the impression Australian males did not cry . I was wrong .
All night long people come and go from the party to pay their respect .
I cannot believe this is over .
YOU ARE NOT ALIVE UNTIL YOU LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF .
I was under the impression Australian males did not cry . I was wrong .
All night long people come and go from the party to pay their respect .
I cannot believe this is over .
YOU ARE NOT ALIVE UNTIL YOU LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF .
chapter 83
Graduation day . I sit and converse with all these faculty zombies . I do not have the courage nor the desire to tell them what I really think of their fucking school .Only one guy didn't pass . He told them that there church was simply : "God trying to make the best out of a bad situation " .
The prize of being public enemy number one , however , goes to me . When a student would preach , one faculty member would be sent to listen . Me...just about the entire faculty would appear . They were waiting for me to fuck up . The closest they got was when Joe Smith's descendant gave a sermon of what a great fucking guy the head minister was . Everyone knew it was bullshit ; they sat stewing in anger , urine and monkey cum . I had a slightly different response . I laughed so hard I literally cried . Next day , anther lecture on what a fucking ass I am .
The ceremony is over . It is official . I am free . I feel my mental health attempt to climb back into my psychological idiom . We head for downtown Townsville . Karon , Kylie , Phil and a few other clan members . I am getting drunker by the minute . Fuck it !!! Time to go skinny dipping . So what if its the middle of the city . Jail will be nothing compared to Bible College .
The end of a perfect day .
The prize of being public enemy number one , however , goes to me . When a student would preach , one faculty member would be sent to listen . Me...just about the entire faculty would appear . They were waiting for me to fuck up . The closest they got was when Joe Smith's descendant gave a sermon of what a great fucking guy the head minister was . Everyone knew it was bullshit ; they sat stewing in anger , urine and monkey cum . I had a slightly different response . I laughed so hard I literally cried . Next day , anther lecture on what a fucking ass I am .
The ceremony is over . It is official . I am free . I feel my mental health attempt to climb back into my psychological idiom . We head for downtown Townsville . Karon , Kylie , Phil and a few other clan members . I am getting drunker by the minute . Fuck it !!! Time to go skinny dipping . So what if its the middle of the city . Jail will be nothing compared to Bible College .
The end of a perfect day .
chapter 82
I love my Karon . She is the little sister I never had ; nor wanted . Funny thing about that . We don't know what we want , what we should want , or what to do when we get it . Our desires are almost as polluted as our lakes and oceans . The less I desire , the less I take ; the less I take , the less I am stuck with shit that I should not have , nor know what to do with .
Let go ; see what comes ; see what is taken away . I simply do not know what I need , nor should have !!!
Karon finds herself in a very dramatic and intense situation . It is wonderful being there for one of the Beautiful People . All is well .
Let go ; see what comes ; see what is taken away . I simply do not know what I need , nor should have !!!
Karon finds herself in a very dramatic and intense situation . It is wonderful being there for one of the Beautiful People . All is well .
chapter 81
Not too far from graduation day . (By the way ; if I don't go to the ceremony , then I don't graduate) .It is four in the morning . I am woken up by the voice of either intuition or God . I am too tired to discern the difference .
"Go to McDonald's" I am told . Pick up Karon (she works there ) , "...drive her home or she is fucked !!!" ( Just for the record , a dirty word is one that hurts people . "Fuck" is not a dirty word , but "fucking useless" , should never be said to another human being .
She is surprised to see me . She is equally happy to get a ride home . We read in the paper the next day that a woman was raped along her path .
"Go to McDonald's" I am told . Pick up Karon (she works there ) , "...drive her home or she is fucked !!!" ( Just for the record , a dirty word is one that hurts people . "Fuck" is not a dirty word , but "fucking useless" , should never be said to another human being .
She is surprised to see me . She is equally happy to get a ride home . We read in the paper the next day that a woman was raped along her path .
chapter 80
Here is something else I didn't mention . My first week in Australia , while hanging out with the Seventh Day Adventists-trying to get the Pentecostals jealous- I came face to face with a Kamodo* Dragon . Not as dangerous as the Pentecostals or the other guys ; non-the less , still pretty fucking dangerous .
Anyway , I always wondered , wouldn't it have been funny if I had gotten eaten during my first week in Australia ??? I mean , that would have put a completely different slant on my "God calling me to go Down Under" thingie .
*I have no fucking idea how you spell Kamodo .
Anyway , I always wondered , wouldn't it have been funny if I had gotten eaten during my first week in Australia ??? I mean , that would have put a completely different slant on my "God calling me to go Down Under" thingie .
*I have no fucking idea how you spell Kamodo .
chapter 79
Back to Australia . I forgot to mention that my entire second year was flavored by being bit by some fucking mosquito . Apparently , the little prick could have killed me . You know , if I had been weaker or dumber or something er . Anyway , the Bible College threatened to expel my ass if I miss too many days . So that was inspiring . I will fucking tell you : never give small people power . It will define them as much as breathing .
Mitch is back from the navy , and Karon has not put my car in the rainforest for over a week . As for Brad ; he and I were sitting on his front porch last week and his wife materialized out of thin air and began to pummel the crap out of him . His reply : "darling , you are so beautiful when you are angry" . I will tell you this , Bucko , that not would be my reply .
Mitch is back from the navy , and Karon has not put my car in the rainforest for over a week . As for Brad ; he and I were sitting on his front porch last week and his wife materialized out of thin air and began to pummel the crap out of him . His reply : "darling , you are so beautiful when you are angry" . I will tell you this , Bucko , that not would be my reply .
Monday, December 10, 2012
chapter 78
If you have ever seen an arc-angel , the first thing that comes to you is how they don't look a fucking thing like angels . The reason is simple ( I think) : the word angel means "messenger" , and so that is essentially what they do . Bring good news , direction and stuff like that .
Arc-angels pound through all this shit with us . They look beaten as much as they look beautiful .
Back to 2008 .
Arc-angels pound through all this shit with us . They look beaten as much as they look beautiful .
Back to 2008 .
chapter 77
I remember when I was 17 years old . I came home from a friends place and immediately began to look for something -what , I did not know .
I turned off my radio and placed it away , thinking to myself that if God was going to talk to me , I better be extra quiet .
At about four in the mourning , I was to awake . My radio had moved 10 yards to my pillow and was playing the most beautiful song you could imagine . (A song concerning unconditional love ). But that was not the strange part . There was an angel directly above my head . Not an arc-angel , but a very beautiful spiritual being non-the -less .
We talked , then I fell soundly asleep .
I turned off my radio and placed it away , thinking to myself that if God was going to talk to me , I better be extra quiet .
At about four in the mourning , I was to awake . My radio had moved 10 yards to my pillow and was playing the most beautiful song you could imagine . (A song concerning unconditional love ). But that was not the strange part . There was an angel directly above my head . Not an arc-angel , but a very beautiful spiritual being non-the -less .
We talked , then I fell soundly asleep .
chapter 76
The summer of 2008 . I was sent away by my community to southern Nova Scotia . You know , rest and meditation . It was too cold for swimming , and the sky looked more like October than August , so I spent most of my time either hiking , or relaxing by the lake .
Come night time , I was in the tub ; drinking beer and listening to The Beatles and the Cooper Brothers . I couldn't put my figure on it but something was strange . Someone was watching me and it wasn't just a Divine Visitation . Close...but not close enough .
Come morning , the maid walked in my room while I was naked . She didn't give a fuck . I found that suspicious too . I mean , how did she know I was not going to get pissed ???
Come night time , I was in the tub ; drinking beer and listening to The Beatles and the Cooper Brothers . I couldn't put my figure on it but something was strange . Someone was watching me and it wasn't just a Divine Visitation . Close...but not close enough .
Come morning , the maid walked in my room while I was naked . She didn't give a fuck . I found that suspicious too . I mean , how did she know I was not going to get pissed ???
chapter 75
At this point , I have either lost credibility , or gained it . There actually is one lie in this book . It is somewhere in the beginning , where I got everyone to cheer for something or another . It was not quite that way . The rest , my dear puppy-cats , is about as authentic as I am capable of writing .
chapter 74
I take Kylie and Karon out for supper . It is like a family . The police stop me , thinking my ginger beer is a real beer . It is not . Like most things in life ; it is fake .
The first time I was at Karon's place , I played the guitar . I never saw it again . She told me it was broken . Truth is , she hid the fucking thing so she didn't have to put up with my guitar playing . If there ever was a good reason to lie , that is it .
Karon has a budgie . In a few short months , I will be doing security work back in Halifax with some crazy lady who holds her budgie under water . Her name is Pat . I wrote her a poem :
If I had a water rat / I think that I would name it Pat
And if it caused my soul to bleed / I would change its name to Pat indeed
But what if I had a cat instead / A placid one maybe dead
Well , unless it hissed and even spat
I would not call my pussy Pat
The first time I was at Karon's place , I played the guitar . I never saw it again . She told me it was broken . Truth is , she hid the fucking thing so she didn't have to put up with my guitar playing . If there ever was a good reason to lie , that is it .
Karon has a budgie . In a few short months , I will be doing security work back in Halifax with some crazy lady who holds her budgie under water . Her name is Pat . I wrote her a poem :
If I had a water rat / I think that I would name it Pat
And if it caused my soul to bleed / I would change its name to Pat indeed
But what if I had a cat instead / A placid one maybe dead
Well , unless it hissed and even spat
I would not call my pussy Pat
chapter 73
Mitch has joined the navy . It's like a fucking pandemic around here . Enters Karon . Mitch's almost-lover and like a sister to me . I teach her how to drive . "Put it backwards" , I say . Next thing I know we are in the middle of a tropical forest .
The woman cannot drive . We all have our talents in life .
My time is quickly coming to an end .
The woman cannot drive . We all have our talents in life .
My time is quickly coming to an end .
chapter 72
Back to the supernatural for a minute . At a party at what's-her-names place . Kylie comes running down the stairs screaming . She has seen some sort of demonic entity . I ask her to describe it . She describes precisely the thing that has been following and harassing me . I had not told her a fucking thing about the situation . If you don't believe in this kind of shit , then she must be one hell of a guesser .
If I remember correctly , Drinky was the life of the party .
If I remember correctly , Drinky was the life of the party .
chapter 71
My vacation over , back in school . I look around the room at all the screwed up faces .Most hit by a stick of confusion and despair . Some here to compensate for some deep rooted perversion ; some to get a paper that entitles them to fuck up other such lives on the continent ; some just woke up and found themselves here some how some way .
When Jesus said : "the way is narrow" , he was not fucking kidding .
A true response to love...is a very rare thing .
When Jesus said : "the way is narrow" , he was not fucking kidding .
A true response to love...is a very rare thing .
chapter 70
Do you want to hear something funny ??? This boy cannot join the navy because he has a deformed back . ( That is not the funny part ). I pray for him and it is healed . He goes back to register , but now he fails the math exam .
The thing about Divine Healing is that it attracts every parasite for 2000 miles . They see an opportunity to identify themselves with power-a.k.a...sex , money and power , all the same-and the fuckers take it . Love is letting go , my dear puppy-cats , which is the exact opposite of possessing power . Love is giving up our control , placing it in the hands of Divine Guidance .
The thing about Divine Healing is that it attracts every parasite for 2000 miles . They see an opportunity to identify themselves with power-a.k.a...sex , money and power , all the same-and the fuckers take it . Love is letting go , my dear puppy-cats , which is the exact opposite of possessing power . Love is giving up our control , placing it in the hands of Divine Guidance .
chapter 69
We arrive at Ayres Rock . I am told that only Moses and Olympic athletes have the capacity to climb it . They were fucking with me . Australians like to do that . They tell you all kinds of crap and giggle themselves silly if they think you are stupid enough to believe it . Shit , even if you are not biting into it , the fuckers will pretend that you are and proceed to laugh themselves silly anyway .
I have a race with some 90 year old lady to the top . I win , but only because I know that Drinky is waiting for me at the bottom . I arrive safely back down , and climb into the bus . Time to go visit my old friend Roger in Sydney . Off we go...
I have a race with some 90 year old lady to the top . I win , but only because I know that Drinky is waiting for me at the bottom . I arrive safely back down , and climb into the bus . Time to go visit my old friend Roger in Sydney . Off we go...
chapter 68
The bus rolls away . I begin to recap my first year . Christmas was interesting . It was 120 degrees and humidity of about 100% . ( I was in a small city in North Australia-Caines ) .
Santa Clause ; poor fucking Santa . The fucker must have sweated his nuts off . "Ho , ho , fucking ho , he says...get me out of this fucking suit !!!"
My hosts give me presents . The Cohen family- wonderful people .
Townesville is now 40 miles in the rear view mirror .
Santa Clause ; poor fucking Santa . The fucker must have sweated his nuts off . "Ho , ho , fucking ho , he says...get me out of this fucking suit !!!"
My hosts give me presents . The Cohen family- wonderful people .
Townesville is now 40 miles in the rear view mirror .
chapter 67
Some blessed soul bought me an 11 day bus pass across the country . I figure donating to sperm banks could cover the other expenses .
It is early in the morning , and I board the bus . Destination ??? No fucking idea . I am tired to pretending that I know where I am going . Because I never do .
Drinky is in my traveling bag . I can hear his soft and tender voice : " feed me Seymour ." My name isn't Seymour , but what do you expect from a bottle of booze ???"
It is early in the morning , and I board the bus . Destination ??? No fucking idea . I am tired to pretending that I know where I am going . Because I never do .
Drinky is in my traveling bag . I can hear his soft and tender voice : " feed me Seymour ." My name isn't Seymour , but what do you expect from a bottle of booze ???"
chapter 66
Remember the security job I got in a liquor commission just before I moved to Australia ??? Well , I got a friend a job there too . He showed up fuckeyed one day . A lady asked him where the French wine was ; and he just laughed and walked away . Thus ends a brilliant career .
Oh , the "could have beens" , eh??? I could have been the next Jimi Hendrex . Thing is , I don't know how to play the fucking guitar .
I preached a sermon drunk once . Did not have the desired results .
Oh , the "could have beens" , eh??? I could have been the next Jimi Hendrex . Thing is , I don't know how to play the fucking guitar .
I preached a sermon drunk once . Did not have the desired results .
chapter 65
Never despise things coming together or falling apart . The universe , in partnership with humanity , simply takes things in one direction or another . Our issue is that it frequently causes us pain . And we fucking hate pain . But far worse , we feel we do not deserve pain .
As life unfolds , most passionately resist it . Bad idea . This will age you , make you bitter , and give you a whole lot of other shit to contend with .
Televangelists will suggest to you that you can control such consequences . You cannon . But what you can control is what you watch on your fucking t.v. screen . So turn the fucking channel !!!
They hate you !!!
As life unfolds , most passionately resist it . Bad idea . This will age you , make you bitter , and give you a whole lot of other shit to contend with .
Televangelists will suggest to you that you can control such consequences . You cannon . But what you can control is what you watch on your fucking t.v. screen . So turn the fucking channel !!!
They hate you !!!
chapter 64
Mitch and I visit this place called Crystal Creek every Saturday afternoon . Drinky comes along too . The three of us get along fabulously .
In approximately two years time , back in Canada , my friend Jon and I will by hiking on a trail back into the woods , and I will say to Jon : "boy , would I love a Moosehead (beer) ; and he will reply : "yea , and I would love a Clancy's (beer). Within 20 seconds , I would look to my right and what should we find but two cans of beer : a Moosehead and a Clancy's .
I have never seen Big foot , but I believe he exists .
In approximately two years time , back in Canada , my friend Jon and I will by hiking on a trail back into the woods , and I will say to Jon : "boy , would I love a Moosehead (beer) ; and he will reply : "yea , and I would love a Clancy's (beer). Within 20 seconds , I would look to my right and what should we find but two cans of beer : a Moosehead and a Clancy's .
I have never seen Big foot , but I believe he exists .
chapter 63
I tell Kylie that I love her . This will result in an on again-off again relationship that will last two decades .
I will later find out that her names means : "boomerang ".
The Bible College faculty never figures out a thing . They are too busy looking for shit that does not exist . Funny that .
I will later find out that her names means : "boomerang ".
The Bible College faculty never figures out a thing . They are too busy looking for shit that does not exist . Funny that .
chapter 62
I walk to Brad's place come night . The broken fan belt that I pass every day on the way , is approximately 10 yards in front of its standard position . I reach down to grab it . It decides to slither away . Now I take a more focused look . It is a tia pan , one of the deadliest snakes in the world . One bite can kill somewhere between 20 and 30 people .
All our lives are hanging from a fucking thread .
Supper at Brad's . No talking cat .
All our lives are hanging from a fucking thread .
Supper at Brad's . No talking cat .
chapter 61
You know Joseph Smith , founder of the Mormon church and shit like that ??? Well , his great (great???) grandson is in school with me . He has a beard and he has a wife . I'm curious to know if they-him and his wife-have oral sex . My "spider sense" tells me that he would think it a sin .(Her opinion wouldn't matter ).
I am not saying these people are not sincere . On some level most people probably are . I mean , we convince ourselves of just about anything .
A stranger walks up to me and gives me a series of cassette tapes by a man named Leonard Evans . And , I am not completely positive this time , but I am more than a little suspicious that this stranger is the 12 year boy from the ferry terminal and the young man sitting next to me on the plane .
The tapes go on to have a profound impact on my life . I never see the stranger again .
I am not saying these people are not sincere . On some level most people probably are . I mean , we convince ourselves of just about anything .
A stranger walks up to me and gives me a series of cassette tapes by a man named Leonard Evans . And , I am not completely positive this time , but I am more than a little suspicious that this stranger is the 12 year boy from the ferry terminal and the young man sitting next to me on the plane .
The tapes go on to have a profound impact on my life . I never see the stranger again .
Sunday, December 9, 2012
chapter 60
I cheat in Bible College . But I also open the door to the bingo hall and yell bingo . So I guess the two council each other out .
I am just not good at bullshit . It is difficult to want to learn , when what you are learning is not true .
The teacher gets up in front of everyone*, and tells them what a fuck-head I am . That does it . I will cheat twice as hard in his class .
*When I say 'everyone" , that is not completely true . There are billions of lucky individuals out there who haven't heard a word of his crap .
I am just not good at bullshit . It is difficult to want to learn , when what you are learning is not true .
The teacher gets up in front of everyone*, and tells them what a fuck-head I am . That does it . I will cheat twice as hard in his class .
*When I say 'everyone" , that is not completely true . There are billions of lucky individuals out there who haven't heard a word of his crap .
chapter 59
My buddy Mitch and I play this game . One climbs on top of the car roof and holds on while the other one drives . We go through the rain forest , fucking around all the way to our private little spot . There Mitch , Drinky and myself go for a swim . We have this other spot , but we were informed that it was infested with crocodiles .
Point : we have no control , just the illusion of control . People swim in crocodile infested lakes and remain in one piece all the time ; people get killed crossing the street all the time as well .
We are all in a river , and the current takes us where ever in the fuck it wants to . If we like our destination , we will write a book on how it was our idea . If we do not , we blame someone else . Simple .
Point : we have no control , just the illusion of control . People swim in crocodile infested lakes and remain in one piece all the time ; people get killed crossing the street all the time as well .
We are all in a river , and the current takes us where ever in the fuck it wants to . If we like our destination , we will write a book on how it was our idea . If we do not , we blame someone else . Simple .
chapter 58
There is a special way to find Drinky . Wanna hear it ??? Good .
You wait until night time , keep your headlights on , then drive through Drinky's own personal outside booze-a-rama . Nobody can see a fucking thing .
You wait until night time , keep your headlights on , then drive through Drinky's own personal outside booze-a-rama . Nobody can see a fucking thing .
chapter 57
The irony is , in our society , in order to pursue a homosexual relationship , you have to be one hell of a man , baby .
I don't have to worry about such things . Not now , anyway . I am in love . She is even better looking than Donny Osmond . I am in love , and she is much younger than I am . So much younger , in fact , that if Bible College ever gets a hint of this , I am on the next plane back to Canada .
I know what to do !!! I will preach a sermon on how evil it is for people in their mid twenties , to date young people !!! Ha , ha , ha , ha , ha .*
*Joke . I have never done such a thing .
I don't have to worry about such things . Not now , anyway . I am in love . She is even better looking than Donny Osmond . I am in love , and she is much younger than I am . So much younger , in fact , that if Bible College ever gets a hint of this , I am on the next plane back to Canada .
I know what to do !!! I will preach a sermon on how evil it is for people in their mid twenties , to date young people !!! Ha , ha , ha , ha , ha .*
*Joke . I have never done such a thing .
chapter 56
I take this young man to a movie . He is probably the best looking young man I have even seen . (You know , besides Donny Osmond ) . His hair is black and curly , his skin is olive . His skin is covered with sweat beads , that bend and flow across his nipples and drip down to his hardened succulent waist . I can see his penis bending like a river through his tight black sticky summer pants .
I take these emotions , stick them down to my feet , tighten my laces , gaze straight into his eyes , and say : "how about those Brisbane Broncos???"
I take these emotions , stick them down to my feet , tighten my laces , gaze straight into his eyes , and say : "how about those Brisbane Broncos???"
chapter 55
Fucky aside , the best friends of most people I know , are Drinky and Jerky...or maybe Jerky and Drinky . When you are young , it does not really matter . When you are older however , you discover that your best friends are , specifically , Jerky and Drinky . That order . No compromise .You compromise , you , my dear friend , are in trouble !!!
chapter 54
I open the door to my new house . There Dave sits at the kitchen table . But there is another sitting beside him . My bestest friend ever . My friend till the end friend . DRINKY !!!
chapter 53
I move into a new abode . Dave and his wife...Mrs. Dave . A wonderful woman but she cooks like shit . We stare at the food ; laugh at each other ; then I go to my bedroom and get my Pizza Hut coupons . Pizza Hut is fucking fantastic . Especially when you compare it to Mrs. Dave's food .
Dave and I drink coffee together .We talk about Bible College . He gazes into my eyes . He says :"sick bunch of bastards , aren't they ???"
Dave and I drink coffee together .We talk about Bible College . He gazes into my eyes . He says :"sick bunch of bastards , aren't they ???"
chapter 52
The youth pastor picks up the phone and biffs it at the youth pastor . Time to move .
By the way , if you are a homosexual , don't try to hide it . Remember , a phone between the eyes...hurts .
By the way , if you are a homosexual , don't try to hide it . Remember , a phone between the eyes...hurts .
chapter 51
Back to Brad . We are meditating on his front porch ; a demonically possessed cat tells us that it is going to kill us . Thus concludes year one of Bible College .
Next week ; the cat returns .
Next week ; the cat returns .
chapter 50
The fact of the matter is we are probably , in the grand scheme of things , to be considered some type of a lesser universe . A disposable one , being utilized by one of real significance , to prove some fucking point or another .
For you Bible people ; you cannot get any more "scriptural" that this : "someday , everything will be gone ; but faith , hope and love will remain" . These qualities , obviously , are from one or more of the significant universes . And once our strange little eroding universe comes to an end , there they will return .
Now answer me this : does the arthritis in your ass hole suddenly make a little more sense??? I mean , who the fuck knows , maybe we are in the only universe that was born to simply fall apart and disappear .
For you Bible people ; you cannot get any more "scriptural" that this : "someday , everything will be gone ; but faith , hope and love will remain" . These qualities , obviously , are from one or more of the significant universes . And once our strange little eroding universe comes to an end , there they will return .
Now answer me this : does the arthritis in your ass hole suddenly make a little more sense??? I mean , who the fuck knows , maybe we are in the only universe that was born to simply fall apart and disappear .
chapter 49
A long time ago , during our yearly retreat in a haunted house , somewhere in southern Nova Scotia ; I was awaken by some sort of demonic entity , pounding upon my body in the middle of the night . Did it scare me ??? Nope . Fact of the matter , this kind of nightly visitation went on for three fucking years . Each time having less effect than the time before that . But that is another story . What makes this visitation interesting is , coincidentally , one of the many ghosts that haunt this particular building , just happened to be prancing by my bed at the same time . Weird , eh ???
But here is the shit : I was virtually positive that these two entities were completely unaware of each other . Or , to be specific , they were from different dimensions . Possibly seen by only me because of some spiritual law nobody understands at this point in history .
But here is the shit : I was virtually positive that these two entities were completely unaware of each other . Or , to be specific , they were from different dimensions . Possibly seen by only me because of some spiritual law nobody understands at this point in history .
chapter 48
It goes like this :
Generally speaking , most people are in this fucking shit pile to climb to the top and look down at all the other turds . Thing is , it is all illusion . The first shall be last...the meek will inherit the earth . You know , all that stuff you are taught as a child then promptly told to forget as a teenager .
Point : just about everything we create is an illusion . In the most strict sense possible...not really there .
So why do we perceive it ??? Good question . The answer : there are probably trillions of dimensions of universes in existence . Love , quite possibly , the most real and significant of all of them . The one most of us live in , basically , is Trash . (You know , used toilet paper or the equivalent ).And the fact that we swear by its validity does not change a thing .
Here is an illustration :
Generally speaking , most people are in this fucking shit pile to climb to the top and look down at all the other turds . Thing is , it is all illusion . The first shall be last...the meek will inherit the earth . You know , all that stuff you are taught as a child then promptly told to forget as a teenager .
Point : just about everything we create is an illusion . In the most strict sense possible...not really there .
So why do we perceive it ??? Good question . The answer : there are probably trillions of dimensions of universes in existence . Love , quite possibly , the most real and significant of all of them . The one most of us live in , basically , is Trash . (You know , used toilet paper or the equivalent ).And the fact that we swear by its validity does not change a thing .
Here is an illustration :
chapter 47
I the midst of my travels , I make a new friend -Brad .Which will bring us to what will become the main response to this book . Disbelief .
There we are in his kitchen . You know , singing songs and shit like that . We finish the third bottle of non-alcoholic wine ; and , guess what ??? the first is full again .
Maybe things like this happen every day , and we are just too narrow minded to figure it out . Hard to say really . All I know for sure , is that what this universe is , and what we are being told it is , have very little , if anything , in common . Let us explore .
There we are in his kitchen . You know , singing songs and shit like that . We finish the third bottle of non-alcoholic wine ; and , guess what ??? the first is full again .
Maybe things like this happen every day , and we are just too narrow minded to figure it out . Hard to say really . All I know for sure , is that what this universe is , and what we are being told it is , have very little , if anything , in common . Let us explore .
Friday, December 7, 2012
chapter 46
Me and Drinky and another wonderful friend were at a university lecture . The three of us were having a great old fucking time . The lecturer was talking about traveling from one dimension to another . I told her that I have done that and it is really swell .
She got pissed at me .
I have this thing for Big Foot . Maybe it is about the monkey...but probably , I just feel sorry for the people who have seen it . Get the drift ???
She got pissed at me .
I have this thing for Big Foot . Maybe it is about the monkey...but probably , I just feel sorry for the people who have seen it . Get the drift ???
chapter 45
About a year and a half ago , I noticed that my penis was not as erect as frequently as it had been during the vast majority of my life . As a result , I began my wonderful journey -just like Dorithy in the Wizard of Ozz - to find my perfect , natural soft-dick repellant .
So I looked and I looked . And what did I discover ??? 95% of what I came across is complete and utter crap !!! They were lying to me . And not only that , they were fucking me around about something that was so personal and intimate , that even at this safe distance from you , I find it difficult to write about .
Point : people want your fucking money . And they will sell their soul to get it .
So how do I prove to you that I don't fit into that 95% projectile ??? I cannot . And I would not try if I knew how . But I will tell you this : the shit I am talking about has gotten me more grief than you can possibly imagine . Look at it this way : if all Jesus meant is love...then there is very little room , if any , for any type of institutionalized religion .
Though God is fairly adequate in the restoration business...the bottom line is that the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MESSAGE has cost me , at one point or another , just about everything and everyone I ever loved .
So I looked and I looked . And what did I discover ??? 95% of what I came across is complete and utter crap !!! They were lying to me . And not only that , they were fucking me around about something that was so personal and intimate , that even at this safe distance from you , I find it difficult to write about .
Point : people want your fucking money . And they will sell their soul to get it .
So how do I prove to you that I don't fit into that 95% projectile ??? I cannot . And I would not try if I knew how . But I will tell you this : the shit I am talking about has gotten me more grief than you can possibly imagine . Look at it this way : if all Jesus meant is love...then there is very little room , if any , for any type of institutionalized religion .
Though God is fairly adequate in the restoration business...the bottom line is that the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MESSAGE has cost me , at one point or another , just about everything and everyone I ever loved .
chapter 44
Wanna hear about snakes ??? Well , here you go :
I was driving down the road and there I saw a 20 foot black snake crossing just ahead of me . I , of course , had to run over it - there was no way around it . But there was no thud , thud . In fact , no noise of any sort at all . The fucking thing was some sort of spiritual apparition .
Hummmm . Skeptical , right ??? I understand . Thing is , the fellow writing this has had over 1000 encounters with drastically intense spiritual manifestations . Let's face it . I am either crazy ; lying ; or the universe we live in is not as "bread and butter" as we are told to believe .
Let us now talk about Bullshit !!!
I was driving down the road and there I saw a 20 foot black snake crossing just ahead of me . I , of course , had to run over it - there was no way around it . But there was no thud , thud . In fact , no noise of any sort at all . The fucking thing was some sort of spiritual apparition .
Hummmm . Skeptical , right ??? I understand . Thing is , the fellow writing this has had over 1000 encounters with drastically intense spiritual manifestations . Let's face it . I am either crazy ; lying ; or the universe we live in is not as "bread and butter" as we are told to believe .
Let us now talk about Bullshit !!!
chapter 43
I got a great idea for a new religion . It would be called : "The Adam and Eve Faith" . It works like this . Apparently , God told those two Ramrods they could do anything they wanted , as long as they didn't eat the Sacred Apple . So get this : you have a congregation , screwing , hating , judging , taking each others money...essentially doing everything that people seem to love to do . You know , besides eat that fucking apple .
Eventually , of course , someone does eat the apple . So you kill him . And in doing so , everyone gets to feel just swell about themselves again . The circle is complete .
Guaranteed , a multimillion dollar industry !!!
Eventually , of course , someone does eat the apple . So you kill him . And in doing so , everyone gets to feel just swell about themselves again . The circle is complete .
Guaranteed , a multimillion dollar industry !!!
chapter 42
Been involved in dream analysis . Apparently , I like sex .
If the Bible College were to find this out -both the sex and the dream analysis bits - I would be fucked . I had a dream about Godzilla once . Scared the shit out of me . But it is nothing compared to how scared some segments of society are of their sexuality . I don't know what the fuck they are thinking of , and I certainly don't want to either .
Jesus was naked on a cross ; and we have been hiding behind him ever sense .
God bless Roger and his lovely family .
If the Bible College were to find this out -both the sex and the dream analysis bits - I would be fucked . I had a dream about Godzilla once . Scared the shit out of me . But it is nothing compared to how scared some segments of society are of their sexuality . I don't know what the fuck they are thinking of , and I certainly don't want to either .
Jesus was naked on a cross ; and we have been hiding behind him ever sense .
God bless Roger and his lovely family .
chapter 41
I walk down Barribang street . To my left , there is a dog . They tell me that he is a German Shepherd .This is difficult to believe . I mean , he is easily twice as large as any German Shepherd I have ever seen . I approach his massive frame , and wrap my arms around him and begin to cry .
His name is King . Maybe after Elvis , I am not quite sure . Regardless , he has learned something these fucking Pentecostals know nothing about . Mercy . He lets me hold onto him as long as I desire . Truly King...is King . As for Elvis Presley...a close second .
His name is King . Maybe after Elvis , I am not quite sure . Regardless , he has learned something these fucking Pentecostals know nothing about . Mercy . He lets me hold onto him as long as I desire . Truly King...is King . As for Elvis Presley...a close second .
chaptor 40
Let us extrapolate upon chapter two . All that I said there is true . But get this : if you have a horse , not only will people not think you are having sex with it ; but , if the truth be known , you can screw its brains out , write a letter about it to your local congressman , and still nobody will suspect you .
Be not deceived . Life has very little to do with what is really going on . Life is about collecting fears and phobias and then crucifying another because you never learned to deal with them properly . But if you ever do reach that semi-enlightened state of existence ; then they will really fuck you over .
And this is partially why I think masturbation is better than intercourse .
Be not deceived . Life has very little to do with what is really going on . Life is about collecting fears and phobias and then crucifying another because you never learned to deal with them properly . But if you ever do reach that semi-enlightened state of existence ; then they will really fuck you over .
And this is partially why I think masturbation is better than intercourse .
chapter 39
Let us go back to Canada . Suddenly , it is 1985 . If being a member of a Pentecostal church does not fuck you up sexually , then nothing will . Don't misunderstand me , I was sweet , kind , honest and all that stuff . However , I decided to have me a little pussy hunt . And I don't mean cats either .
Dear friends , we are living in a place that some people refer to as Earth . I , however , refer to it as Opposite Land . That is to say , just about everything is the opposite of what we are told it is . Jesus summed it up best when he referred to the religious as a bunch of , and I quote : "miserable pricks" . Nothing has changed , my little puppy-cats .The more righteous someone comes across , the more evil their intent .
My pussy hunt lasted until the day I boarded for Australia . No real damage . Thank Christ...literally !!!
Dear friends , we are living in a place that some people refer to as Earth . I , however , refer to it as Opposite Land . That is to say , just about everything is the opposite of what we are told it is . Jesus summed it up best when he referred to the religious as a bunch of , and I quote : "miserable pricks" . Nothing has changed , my little puppy-cats .The more righteous someone comes across , the more evil their intent .
My pussy hunt lasted until the day I boarded for Australia . No real damage . Thank Christ...literally !!!
chapter 38
If paranoia were wisdom , then religious people would be the wisest people in the world .
chapter 37
There is a knock on the door . I open it . Drinky !!! But who are you with ??? Fuck , it's my roommate . He staggers in the house , points his finger in my face, and says : "I'm gonna kill you !!!"
Last week this fellow ate all my asthma medication . He went on to tell me that if my books had shifted places it was because the house moved while I was away . So the answer to your question is , yes , he is fucking stupid enough to put a knife in my head while I am sleeping for no apparent reason .
I quickly resolve the situation . He is never heard from again .
Last week this fellow ate all my asthma medication . He went on to tell me that if my books had shifted places it was because the house moved while I was away . So the answer to your question is , yes , he is fucking stupid enough to put a knife in my head while I am sleeping for no apparent reason .
I quickly resolve the situation . He is never heard from again .
chapter 36
So my landlord hates the music I listen to . (Just about every night , I meander onto the back porch and play Neil Young , or whatever , and drink some java) . He also believes it to be morally wrong to sleep naked . But do you know what he doesn't find anything wrong with ??? Well , I will tell you . Moving in with his best friends wife after his friend gets put in jail for diddling little girls .
Question : are these religious fuckers all the same ??? I thought it might be different in Australia...it is not . Religion is proving to be a self righteous mask (or overcompensation ) built to hide a dark and disturbing life . It is not that some good people are not dragged into this cesspool of wickedness ; but its main personality trait...is deceit .
Question : are these religious fuckers all the same ??? I thought it might be different in Australia...it is not . Religion is proving to be a self righteous mask (or overcompensation ) built to hide a dark and disturbing life . It is not that some good people are not dragged into this cesspool of wickedness ; but its main personality trait...is deceit .
Thursday, December 6, 2012
chapter 35
I am and always have been a nudest . My landlord believes I have the "spirit of nudity" . (He knows about two % of the real story ). But I got some fucking shit on him , baby !!!
As a child , I would not go skinny dipping with all the other kids . And that is how you know you are a nudest .
Did you know that Frank Zappa signed Alice Cooper to his record label because everyone left the building when he began to play ???
As a child , I would not go skinny dipping with all the other kids . And that is how you know you are a nudest .
Did you know that Frank Zappa signed Alice Cooper to his record label because everyone left the building when he began to play ???
chapter 34
The Bible College people are now getting suspicious of me . It's possibly because I am gaining a following and suggesting quite strongly that the faculty just might potentially be full of shit .
Most peoples belief systems , sooner or later , turn out to be no more than addictions . Non-the-less , they are addictions that they will fuck you up for .
Make no mistake ; Bible College is a place where people attempt to maintain their dogmas by making the innocent and the stupid choke on them .
I would like to consider myself as "the innocent". Truth be known , however , it's probably the other one that best suits me .
Let 's talk now about nudity .
Most peoples belief systems , sooner or later , turn out to be no more than addictions . Non-the-less , they are addictions that they will fuck you up for .
Make no mistake ; Bible College is a place where people attempt to maintain their dogmas by making the innocent and the stupid choke on them .
I would like to consider myself as "the innocent". Truth be known , however , it's probably the other one that best suits me .
Let 's talk now about nudity .
chapter 33
Not so fast . First I must go to the mall , buy some music and ask some unexpecting people in the food court for their desert . It's easy , actually . I just walked up to them and said : "are you eating that ?"
It was delicious !!!
It was delicious !!!
chapter 32
We do some other stuff . I go to Expo 88 alone . (My friend stays at his house to fight with his family). And then it is just about time to head back and get some religion .
chapter 31
There are certain things you just cannot say in church . They are referred to as...most things .
Take for example , back in Townsville . This kid tells me that he is using his cat to masturbate with . I excuse myself , go into the washroom , and laugh my ass off . I reappear with some hard-core spiritual advice : leave the fucking cat alone !!!
Point being : can you really imagine talking about your real struggles in a church context ???
I have this rule : if you have to hide part of yourself...then it is not real community . Move on and try again .
Take for example , back in Townsville . This kid tells me that he is using his cat to masturbate with . I excuse myself , go into the washroom , and laugh my ass off . I reappear with some hard-core spiritual advice : leave the fucking cat alone !!!
Point being : can you really imagine talking about your real struggles in a church context ???
I have this rule : if you have to hide part of yourself...then it is not real community . Move on and try again .
chapter 30
In a little town , just outside Brisbane . I am eating the best fucking soup that I ever had in my life . Punkin , I believe the natives call it .
My friend is visiting his family . He has this inclination to also visit his pastor . We stay over night and I am hardly molested in my sleep at all . ( Only slightly disappointed ).
They let me preach in the church the next morning . I still remember the title of my sermon :" Reality , What a Concept ".
My friend is visiting his family . He has this inclination to also visit his pastor . We stay over night and I am hardly molested in my sleep at all . ( Only slightly disappointed ).
They let me preach in the church the next morning . I still remember the title of my sermon :" Reality , What a Concept ".
chapter 29
Do you know what makes you forget about demonic forces fucking with your head ??? A good game of hide and seek , followed by a nice chocolate milk shake .
Everything in Australia is either great...or they screw it up . Dirt cheap...or...not dirt cheap .
I need a vacation .
Everything in Australia is either great...or they screw it up . Dirt cheap...or...not dirt cheap .
I need a vacation .
chapter 28
Question : do you believe in evil ??? Well , I sure as shit do . Some young lady is demonically manifesting right in front of my face . A voice says to me : "she had sex with a demon" . I then ask her : "what the fuck happened to you ???" (in so many words) . Her reply : " I had sex with him , of course " .
And it just gets worse from there . I am playing tennis with this Aboriginal fellow . I see one of them there mother-fuckers...a.k.a.demons...right outside the tennis court . His name is Destroyer ; (not very original) . He tells me he is going to kill me . Another voice - His voice - tells me my next door neighbors are cursing me .
In a very short while , my room mate will catch our neighbors in our (open face) basement...casting spells .
And it just gets worse from there . I am playing tennis with this Aboriginal fellow . I see one of them there mother-fuckers...a.k.a.demons...right outside the tennis court . His name is Destroyer ; (not very original) . He tells me he is going to kill me . Another voice - His voice - tells me my next door neighbors are cursing me .
In a very short while , my room mate will catch our neighbors in our (open face) basement...casting spells .
chapter 27
May 1991 . At the Lower Deck , Downtown , Halifax . One of the kids that I befriended at camp is about to get married . I have a great relationship with his entire family . Get this : I would take the boy for a movie and a hamburger , take him back to his house and join his Dad and Drinky for a few evening snorks , then fool around with his sister . Oh , yes . Less we forget his wonderful Mom . Her roll would be to make me coffee for after my skinny dip at their own private spot on the lake .
The entertainment does not show up . Fuck it !!! I go on stage and begin my organic stand-up gig . The crowed is loving me . Suddenly , someone appears in the back . It is HIM . The man himself . Anthony Quinn , the greatest stand-up east of Montreal is in the building . And he is indeed standing up ; and moving in my direction .
I have never gone "head to head" before . And I am beginning my journey with the best this side of Sir George Carlin .
I would like to say that I lost . It would add to the humility of my story . But fate played a different hand that night . Me and Drinky just wiped the fucking stage with Mr. Quinn...and after I leave , some fellow yells out : "he's a minister" . Apparently , there was no response .
Learning from my humiliation at my last summer of camp...I was never to do stand-up again .
The entertainment does not show up . Fuck it !!! I go on stage and begin my organic stand-up gig . The crowed is loving me . Suddenly , someone appears in the back . It is HIM . The man himself . Anthony Quinn , the greatest stand-up east of Montreal is in the building . And he is indeed standing up ; and moving in my direction .
I have never gone "head to head" before . And I am beginning my journey with the best this side of Sir George Carlin .
I would like to say that I lost . It would add to the humility of my story . But fate played a different hand that night . Me and Drinky just wiped the fucking stage with Mr. Quinn...and after I leave , some fellow yells out : "he's a minister" . Apparently , there was no response .
Learning from my humiliation at my last summer of camp...I was never to do stand-up again .
chapter 26
Back to Australia . Half way through my first year . I am the opening act for a man who will eventually become a famous movie director . At this time , however , he is billed as a faith healer , and I a stand-up comedian .(As you can tell I am not too hot on using the names of certain individuals . Case in point...right here . I am pretty fucking sure that this gentleman does not want people to know that he once was a faith healer , let alone shared the stage with me ).
I am fucking bombing . My semi - girlfriend knows it . She will drop me like a hot turd in about three hours time . My semi-fiance to be is laughing her tits off . In a few months I will fall madly in love with this girl and it will effect the rest of my life...and not necessarily for the better .
A penis joke for the road , and suddenly one or two stand-up engagements are terminated . It feels like Arnold came back from the future and fucked me right up my bum .
I am fucking bombing . My semi - girlfriend knows it . She will drop me like a hot turd in about three hours time . My semi-fiance to be is laughing her tits off . In a few months I will fall madly in love with this girl and it will effect the rest of my life...and not necessarily for the better .
A penis joke for the road , and suddenly one or two stand-up engagements are terminated . It feels like Arnold came back from the future and fucked me right up my bum .
chapter 25
The first time I met Drinky , I was 10 years old . My Grandfather , my brother and myself all gathered around the little country house kitchen table and sang songs .( Wake Up Little Suzie by the Everly Brothers was amongst them .)
Drinky came prancing in . Took off his hat , and the rest was history .
There we were , The Three Stooges , fuck-eyed to the gills having a grand old time .
Oh , yes Drinky's best friend Cokie was there too . Cokie was a tad stoic , however .
Drinky came prancing in . Took off his hat , and the rest was history .
There we were , The Three Stooges , fuck-eyed to the gills having a grand old time .
Oh , yes Drinky's best friend Cokie was there too . Cokie was a tad stoic , however .
chapter 24
Just to keep my finances in order , I got a job as a security guard for those four months . The day was Christmas Eve . 50 people lined outside the liquor store waiting to get their fix . So what else is there to do but teach them camp songs . You have never seen anything until you see 50 grown adults singing : "brown squirrel / brown squirrel / shake your bushy tail..." complete with actions . (You know , shaking their asses and bobbing up and down and shit like that ).
So there you have it . Possibly the four best months of my life . Complete with bubble hockey , sing songs in movie theaters and liquor stores and other such places , and my new best friend...
...DRINKY !!!
So there you have it . Possibly the four best months of my life . Complete with bubble hockey , sing songs in movie theaters and liquor stores and other such places , and my new best friend...
...DRINKY !!!
chapter 23
After the summer of 1987 , I had four months to meander aimlessly before my plane boarded for Australia . And what better way to spend the time than to scam people at bubble hockey .
My gig was simple . I would show up at the video arcade with a friend , then just barely beat him , making me look quite vincible .
I was not .
One kid was a little prick . I did not give him his money back . As for all the others . I just wanted to add to the drama . Their money was safe , they just didn't know it until the game was over .
I was later informed that the teenagers (and young adults) had thought that I was a "narc". But that is no excuse for getting the shit kicked out of you . With that crew , I never lost a game .
My gig was simple . I would show up at the video arcade with a friend , then just barely beat him , making me look quite vincible .
I was not .
One kid was a little prick . I did not give him his money back . As for all the others . I just wanted to add to the drama . Their money was safe , they just didn't know it until the game was over .
I was later informed that the teenagers (and young adults) had thought that I was a "narc". But that is no excuse for getting the shit kicked out of you . With that crew , I never lost a game .
chapter 22
They cannot take away your story , your truth or your integrity . And nothing else matters .
chapter 21
Love never dies , love never fails . And what is love , you ask ??? Good fucking question , my friend . Love is reality . Love is truth . Sometimes it comes with an orgasm , but usually not .
My first week at camp back in 1978 . I met this blond 10 year old child and I think I wanted to adopt him . Anyway , at the end of the week I went to clean out the sleeping quarters , and I lifted up his mattress... it read : "If you love someone / set them free / if they come back / they are yours / if they don't / they never were" .
Trust me . This will all make sense eventually . But the individual that wrote this piece of litterateur : the child that I was to meet at the P. E .I. ferry terminal in two years time .
My first week at camp back in 1978 . I met this blond 10 year old child and I think I wanted to adopt him . Anyway , at the end of the week I went to clean out the sleeping quarters , and I lifted up his mattress... it read : "If you love someone / set them free / if they come back / they are yours / if they don't / they never were" .
Trust me . This will all make sense eventually . But the individual that wrote this piece of litterateur : the child that I was to meet at the P. E .I. ferry terminal in two years time .
chapter 20
It says in the Bible , that "God's strength is made perfect in your weakness " . I hope that is true because I certainly have a lot of weakness . After nine years of peace , love and understanding at this particular camp ; it all came crashing down .
It wasn't the hatred that a particular individual had for me that turned my self esteem into pudding . It was the fact that nobody gave a shit . I was a fucking icon in this place . I was informed that training sessions were just as concerned with "what would Stu do" as they were the curriculum .
Anyway , there I was lying motionless in the forest . (I felt like Brian Wilson). In a few hours , I would be gone . Never to return . Nine wonderful years , and it apparently meant nothing .
Yea , but I don't believe that !!!
It wasn't the hatred that a particular individual had for me that turned my self esteem into pudding . It was the fact that nobody gave a shit . I was a fucking icon in this place . I was informed that training sessions were just as concerned with "what would Stu do" as they were the curriculum .
Anyway , there I was lying motionless in the forest . (I felt like Brian Wilson). In a few hours , I would be gone . Never to return . Nine wonderful years , and it apparently meant nothing .
Yea , but I don't believe that !!!
chapter 19
The first sermon I ever preached was at summer camp in 1979 . The kids loved it ; Steve gave me shit for it . He told me that the kids could get that kind of thing "back in the city" . Steve was wrong . But if someone is right just about every time , it makes it really difficult , if you have any humility , to want to put up a fight .
During my run at this particular camp from 1978 until 1987...I never preached again .
During my run at this particular camp from 1978 until 1987...I never preached again .
chapter 18
Just a little bit more on death .We had a small memorial service for a friend of mine who died of cancer earlier in the year . His name is Steve Inwood , and was my boss at a summer camp back in the late 70's and early 80's . Anyway , there he was sitting in the front of the room , smiling and taking it all in .
Steve is the only person to have figured me out . In so many words , his message to me was loud and clear : "Stu , they are going to fuck you "...and they did !!!
I have no real regrets in life - possibly because I have had a fulfilling life , possibly because I am stupid -but I do wish I had kept in contact with Steve . It is this simple : if you really love people ; if you really want to be authentic...do not , under any circumstances , attend any organized religion .
Steve is the only person to have figured me out . In so many words , his message to me was loud and clear : "Stu , they are going to fuck you "...and they did !!!
I have no real regrets in life - possibly because I have had a fulfilling life , possibly because I am stupid -but I do wish I had kept in contact with Steve . It is this simple : if you really love people ; if you really want to be authentic...do not , under any circumstances , attend any organized religion .
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
chapter 17
Death ; what a concept . Are you aware that no people group squeals and makes a fuss when they die like born again Christians ? True fucking story .
A few years ago on Superbowl Sunday , my father blew his head right off his shoulders in front of his wife .The strange thing about this is that both my brother and my father worshiped guns...and they both died by guns . My brother , shooting a duck and wading out to find it ; and my father , by self inflicted gun "wounds" .
Be careful what you worship . If not the right thing ; it will fuck you up .
A few years ago on Superbowl Sunday , my father blew his head right off his shoulders in front of his wife .The strange thing about this is that both my brother and my father worshiped guns...and they both died by guns . My brother , shooting a duck and wading out to find it ; and my father , by self inflicted gun "wounds" .
Be careful what you worship . If not the right thing ; it will fuck you up .
chapter 16
Every Saturday morning , I would go to the record store , then wait for the roasted chickens to go on sale . The roasted chickens in Australia are about as good as the whip cream is bad .
My mothers sister died eating a roasted chicken . She called me up and told me that Phylis had gone to her reward in the sky . I asked my mother how it happened . She said that she choked on a chicken . My reply : "she should have killed it and cooked it before she ate it ".
My mothers sister died eating a roasted chicken . She called me up and told me that Phylis had gone to her reward in the sky . I asked my mother how it happened . She said that she choked on a chicken . My reply : "she should have killed it and cooked it before she ate it ".
chapter 15
Back to the man on the airplane . The first time that I was really unequivocally aware of this individual was in 1980 . I went to pick up a friend at the ferry terminal to P . E . I .( If you have never been there , you should visit -beautiful )* . There was a little boy waiting for the ferry and we quickly involved ourselves in a conversation . I was only 18 , but even at that age , I quickly picked up upon something being quite different about the kid . Eventually the ferry came , and I asked him if he had enough money to make the crossing . He just smiled and said : " I don't need any money , my father is driving the boat " . It was the first time I had ever experienced someone bullshitting me and telling me the truth at the same time . It felt strange .
* Prince Edward Island , not the ferry terminal .
* Prince Edward Island , not the ferry terminal .
chapter 14
Back in Bible College . I am learning something quite profound . That is , if someone has not a fucking clue of what they are talking about , you can suck the knowledge right out of that nothing , and turn it into something . Never expect that a human being has something worth while to say . He probably doesn't . And therein is a fountain in knowledge .
Presently , directly in front of me , some tit is telling us that crocodiles had teeth to dig up roots and such . (This , of course , is how he proves that evolution did not take place ).
I'll tell you exactly what happened six billion years ago . It is called :" how the fuck should I know...I wasn't there" , that is exactly what happened . And , guess what ??? It is exactly correct !!!
Presently , directly in front of me , some tit is telling us that crocodiles had teeth to dig up roots and such . (This , of course , is how he proves that evolution did not take place ).
I'll tell you exactly what happened six billion years ago . It is called :" how the fuck should I know...I wasn't there" , that is exactly what happened . And , guess what ??? It is exactly correct !!!
chapter 13
My next job is cooking hotdogs . Or should I say ; sweating in hotdogs . I am not used to this fucking climate . I sweat profusely into the hotdogs . The crowed is getting angrier and angrier by the second .
I tell them it is all relative . I tell them of the donair mythology back in Halifax . How people masturbate in donair sauce . They suddenly feel at ease with my sweating .
I then teach them some camp songs . 200 drunken Australians singing Nova Scotia camp songs .
I tell them it is all relative . I tell them of the donair mythology back in Halifax . How people masturbate in donair sauce . They suddenly feel at ease with my sweating .
I then teach them some camp songs . 200 drunken Australians singing Nova Scotia camp songs .
chapter 12
I get a job as a chef . I am told that I was hired because I didn't know how to cook . The philosophy is simple : if I haven't learned to do something , then I haven't learned how to fuck it up .It is true ; unlearning is a Hell of a lot harder than learning .
My boss has learned how to commit adultery . He says that fucking around on his wife , more or less , is an art form .
The chef throws a knife and pins the waitresses dress to the wall . He also has a neat way of tenderizing steak . He throws it on the ground and stomps on it . They are right about one thing : I never learned how to cook like this before .
I quit my job . As I walk out the door , I think I see Drinky out of the corner of my eye . I am like a man on the desert , believing with his entire heart that he sees water just over the horizon .
My boss has learned how to commit adultery . He says that fucking around on his wife , more or less , is an art form .
The chef throws a knife and pins the waitresses dress to the wall . He also has a neat way of tenderizing steak . He throws it on the ground and stomps on it . They are right about one thing : I never learned how to cook like this before .
I quit my job . As I walk out the door , I think I see Drinky out of the corner of my eye . I am like a man on the desert , believing with his entire heart that he sees water just over the horizon .
Chapter 11
So this Pentecostal homosexual who hates gay people picks me up at the airport . He drives me to my new abode on the wrong side of the road . Out of nowhere he begins to talk about Drinky . He thinks Drinky and his relatives are the anti-Christ . If I say anything...I am fucked . However ,within hours I will discover that he has a thing for a certain 14 year old girl . With this new information , I have nothing to worry about . All of his leverage is gone .
He introduces me to my new , retarded , slightly psychotic room mate . I jerk-off and go to sleep .
He introduces me to my new , retarded , slightly psychotic room mate . I jerk-off and go to sleep .
chapter 10
Oh , yes ; one thing I forgot to mention . I took Drinky to a bar in the Vancouver airport . I told him that I couldn't see him for two whole years . He cried ; I cried . There were thousands of oriental people there watching us . I lifted my Fosters ail :"to Drinky !!!" , I cheered . And a billion Chinese voices replied : "to Drinky !!!" *
*Did not really happen .
*Did not really happen .
chapter 9
I arrive in Townsville Australia . I had already been informed that my friend Drinky is not invited . Fact of the matter , if Drinky even visits me while attending Bible College , I will be thrown out on my ass .
Did I mention that I was to attend Bible College ??? Fuck , and it isn't just my friend Drinky they don't like either . My dear lady friend Blowie Jobbs isn't invited either . I mean , every one of my friends seems to be unwelcome . And so am I . Difference is , I am too stupid to figure it out .
Dear Blowie :
Hi , Blowie . How is Drinky ? I am in jail .
Sincerely :
Stu
Did I mention that I was to attend Bible College ??? Fuck , and it isn't just my friend Drinky they don't like either . My dear lady friend Blowie Jobbs isn't invited either . I mean , every one of my friends seems to be unwelcome . And so am I . Difference is , I am too stupid to figure it out .
Dear Blowie :
Hi , Blowie . How is Drinky ? I am in jail .
Sincerely :
Stu
chapter 8
Before I leave my friend on the jet , let us speak of one of the first times I knowingly met him . It was in July or August 1986 . There he was on the boardwalk in beautiful downtown Halifax , Nova Scotia . He approaches me and says : "are you Steven Strang ???" I reply : "No , Steven is my brother". He says : "yea , Steven died in a hunting accident". And guess what ??? That September my brother dies in a hunting accident .
Now , it might help to increase the mystery of this story if I add the fact that I never had seen this fellow before in my life-in this form anyway . He was a complete stranger and he had no reason to approach me at all . Fuck , I look nothing like my brother .
Now , it might help to increase the mystery of this story if I add the fact that I never had seen this fellow before in my life-in this form anyway . He was a complete stranger and he had no reason to approach me at all . Fuck , I look nothing like my brother .
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
chapter 7
In the Hong Kong airport . This fellow , about 5,000 people away , yells out to me :" hey you in the funny hat!!!" ( I had a funny hat ). He finds my luggage and , though there are literally hundreds of flights he could have been on , it appears that his seat is not only on the same plane , but right next to mine .
Wonderful fellow .He tells me that my dream of having a (biological family) will not come true , and other such things . I can't remember what kind of bull shit he told me about his name , but in 20 years and a half time , I will be reintroduced to him properly . In the mean time , we chit chat about the universe .
Drinky fucks around with some of the other customers .
Wonderful fellow .He tells me that my dream of having a (biological family) will not come true , and other such things . I can't remember what kind of bull shit he told me about his name , but in 20 years and a half time , I will be reintroduced to him properly . In the mean time , we chit chat about the universe .
Drinky fucks around with some of the other customers .
chapter 6
If you fuck the dentists wife...everyone will think you are trying to get free dental care .
chapter 5
I am now on board the jet . I put on my cassette player-a real nice one-and I play John Stewart :"Bombs Away Dream Babies" again and again and again .One thing I quickly conclude about jets : they need a masturbatorium .
(The ride inspired me to write my hit single :"Me and Drinky in the Sky")
(The ride inspired me to write my hit single :"Me and Drinky in the Sky")
chapter 4
My friend-soon to hold a position that I am not even allowed to mention-my Mother and my Step-father all drive me to the airport . My Mother is crying . I think she is afraid something terrible may not happen to me . I look into my luggage as I board the jet .There I see Drinky ; He gives me a smile .
chapter 3
I am sitting in church , thinking of my good friend , Drinky , when suddenly God speaks to me and tells me to move to Australia . My reply : " can I bring Drinky along ???"
chapter 2
If you spend your time with children , they will think you to be a pedophile ; if you spend your time with married women , they will think you to be an adulterer . If you have an intimate relationship with someone your own age , they will think you to be a fag* .
*Not to be confused with the dinosaur fag-a-sauras.rex , which is yet to be discovered .
*Not to be confused with the dinosaur fag-a-sauras.rex , which is yet to be discovered .
ME AND DRINKY
Me and Drinky Chapter 1
Why people drink ; hard to say . Everyone I know who compulsively drinks , is worse off for the journey . In fact , there is only one person that I have encountered that actually became better off for drinking . Me . And this is my story about me and my friend Drinky , Down Under , in the Great Southern Land of Australia ...mate !!!
Why people drink ; hard to say . Everyone I know who compulsively drinks , is worse off for the journey . In fact , there is only one person that I have encountered that actually became better off for drinking . Me . And this is my story about me and my friend Drinky , Down Under , in the Great Southern Land of Australia ...mate !!!
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